For Sensei
by ami-chan200
Summary: Angst, angst... did I mention angst? Meiko is ...well, she's depressed. This is very short and very unhappy.


Just for the sake of clarity, this could be considered as a thought and/or letter that Meiko never gave/told to Namura-sensei. No, I haven't seen the entire series and the episodes I do have cut off before Namura leaves. so that sparked my creativity. Plus, I can empathize with Meiko.  
  
For Sensei By Ami-chan  
  
Sensei:  
  
Sometimes I don't know what I want and I feel all alone. Maybe you can never care for me the way I love you. I'm confused, you know, no matter how calm I may appear on the outside. And I feel I am dying. Or, maybe I just wish I were.  
  
I watch everyone pass me by in life and I do try to catch up, but I understand I'm a miserable failure and cannot. In my heart, I don't think I have a best friend anymore; I don't have anyone, not even you, sensei.  
  
Damn school. Damn life. Sensei, damn you, too! Why did I have to be placed in your class, forced to see you everyday and not be able to hold you? Why must I hold everything in my heart alone?  
  
Now I wonder what's in store for me, sensei, because I doubt that we will ever be together. I wonder if I've ever made any decisions in my life, or if others simply made them for me. What cruel hand of fate is guiding me on this unreasonable path? I wish I knew, yet, if I did it would bring me no peace.  
  
So, here I sit, alone again, on this cold park bench while I contemplate my pathetic, wretched existence and my future - or lack thereof. I've hurt Miki, but I can't call her back; I'm too destroyed inside to mend her feelings. I can't see for the torturous agony in my own soul. Miki wasn't my best friend, anyway. I'm not even sure if she was ever my friend. I have no friends. Oh, sensei, but she poured her heart out to me and I listened all those years. Yet, she never knew me! I am too dark and she is too bright; she can't understand me and neither can you.  
  
And you, I've lost you, too. I lost myself long ago, so I'm not sure why I was ignorant enough to believe I might keep you. With parents like mine, it's certain I'm doomed to a horrible deal in relationships.  
  
Sensei, I wish I were dead. Not that it would solve anything, of course; I know it wouldn't. There are no answers even in death. Besides, I could only wish for death, as I'm too cowardly to ever try to kill myself. I don't like pain, anyway. Haven't I suffered enough, after all?  
  
Do you ever wish to die? I would ask you if I thought I'd ever see you again.  
  
My life is blank and hollow and I've lost my way. No one will pick me up and I haven't the will left to do it on my own. My senses are gone; I'm numb and chilled and as dead inside as I wish to be outside. That's not the worst part, though; I don't even care that I hurt Miki.  
  
I'm gone, sensei. I always was. I don't even have the energy to hope or strive for any dream I might have had delusions of. What are dreams but things we grasp at yet can't hold? What is life when no one comprehends you? The answer: death.  
  
There is a flower near. You would call it a 'frail beauty', like me, only I'm not beautiful. Thinking that makes me hate it. I'm plucking it now so that will die sooner, but that is not enough. Thank goodness for my pryo-like tendencies; I will burn it with my lighter just so.  
  
I flames and sparks and it's lovely before it shrivels to a burnt crisp and dies. That's what happened tome.  
  
Oh, but I'm young, right? That's what you'd say! Young! I have lived and died a thousand deaths everyday, so thought I am young in flesh; in mind I'm ten million times that. There is no hope or future for me. I shall die alone, unhappy, friendless, and without my one love.  
  
I've yet to see a knight in shining armor. All lies. All those stories - meaningless. Life is a dead-end and so it my heart.  
  
Sensei, I'm not sure of anything at all, but I think I love you. Do you love me enough to kill me if I asked you to? Right now, sensei, that is my heart's desire. I'd have no answers, true, but I'd have no life to deal with, either. No pain.  
  
~The End~ 


End file.
